"The Adventures of Captain Knutz" - Part Four

 Part Four

            Along the shores of Monkey Island, Guybrush Threepwood was finally reunited with the love of his life – his wife, Elaine Marley. Leaping over rocks, shipwreck remains, and other treacherous obstacles, he ran straight for Elaine, arms wide open and a loving smile on his face. He could only figure she had the same smile, being several feet away and running towards him.

            It was a wonderful reunion…too bad it was all just a dream…

            …a dream that he was cruelly awakened out of when his hammock was suddenly turned over in reality, spilling him onto the floor of the crew’s quarters. Still in dream mode, he floundered about and asked, “Where’s Elaine?!”

            “Who’s Elaine?” He heard a woman ask him back.

            Looking up, he saw Kara and Mireya glaring on him furiously. “Where’s Craig?” Kara demanded to know. “What did you do to him?”

            Finally waking up, Guybrush looked around and saw that most of the crew had already gotten up for the day and were probably tending to their duties around the Nutcracker. He stood up and stretched, letting out a big yawn as he addressed the two angry women in front of him. “Who’s Craig again?”

            “The sweet lil’ fella with the staff that Beggar dude wanted in exchange for the map to Donkey Island!” Mireya recounted.

            “Monkey Island,” Guybrush corrected her.

            “I don’t give a monkey’s butt what it’s called!” Kara snapped. “You were the only one interested in that map when Beggar Bill put it up for trade yesterday. And when Craig refused to give up his staff, you seemed pretty upset that he did.”

            “I was?” Guybrush vacantly reflected. “I was a little disappointed, but I told your little friend that I completely understood.”

            “Suuure, you did,” Mireya patronized.

            “Hey, what’s with the third degree?” Guybrush inquired. “You ladies act like I killed him or something.”

            “Well, he was sleeping here in the crew’s quarters with you last night,” Kara indicated. “And now, he’s gone – completely disappeared from the ship! Captain Knutz doesn’t know where he is, the crew doesn’t know…”

            “And you’re the only one we haven’t checked who has the most to gain from his disappearance!” Unable to contain her fury much longer, Mireya snatched Guybrush by the lapels of his coat, threateningly bringing his terrified face close to her infuriated face. He could see the fire in her eyes. “If anything happened to Craig, so help me, I’ll—”

            “That be enough, Miss Mireya.” Someone at the doorway to the crew’s quarters saved Guybrush from a potential pummeling. Their eyes darted to see Captain Knutz, who looked as peeved as Kara and Mireya. “It be clear we have a traitor aboard the Nutcracker, so I’ve called for a proper tribunal on the deck.”

            He led Kara, Mireya, and Guybrush out of the crew’s quarters and onto the main deck where, certain enough, all of the crew was gathered on the orders of Captain Knutz. Each man was questioned and each one gave the same answer: “I be sleepin’ like a log when the lad was taken, Cap’n.”

            However, not all of the men were present for the tribunal. “Where be Handsome Jack and Ugly Pete?!” Knutz thundered. “For that matter, where be seven other bilge rats I don’t see in front of me?!”

            “CAP’N!” a crewman bellowed from the crowd. “There be a ship approachin’ on the starboard bow!”

            Everyone looked to where the crewman indicated the forthcoming vessel.

            Kara’s eyes glistened when she recognized it. “It’s the maiden ship!”

            Hearing her describe it that way, Mireya analyzed the other ship’s hull. “Doesn’t look all that new. Kinda bit worn out, actually.”

            “No, it’s not on a maiden voyage – it’s a maiden ship,” Kara clarified.

            Mireya soon realized what she meant as the ship anchored along the starboard side of the Nutcracker. It was a ship full of maidens – women as beautiful as Kara and Mireya themselves. Despite all wearing dresses, they navigated around their ship with such elegance and grace, like angels. The men of Knutz’s crew were enamored, all of them way out of the maidens’ league. Whereas they were men whose bodies were wracked with filth and bad hygiene, the maidens were well-mannered and sparkling clean.

            This was reflected in their captain, the voluptuous yet venomous Captain Kelly, Knutz’s arch rival. She was the only one who boldly boarded the Nutcracker, prompting Knutz’s men to cower as she went straight up to Knutz and said, “Bonjour, Knickolaus.”

            “You speak to me in the Queen’s English, Kelly!” Knutz commanded.

            “Very well,” Kelly obliged, her French accent still quite evident. “We’ve come to your pauvre excuse pour un ship with a special guest.” She gestured for two of her Amazonian-sized crewwomen to roughly escort the only man they had onboard at the time, keeping him restrained with ropes around his wrists and ankles.

            “Ugly Pete?!” Knutz recognized him, his fury towards Kelly sweltering. “You witch! What’ve ya done to him?!”

            “Du calme, Knickolaus,” Kelly coolly said. “We fished this retched soul from the waters just this morning. As we do most men that dare come aboard our ship, it was our intention to castrate this…uh…thing you call a ‘man’.” She turned her nose up at Ugly Pete. “But there’s nothing left of what used to be…what do you idiots call it? Manhood?”

            Watching the entire scene as if it were an episode of the Captain Knutz program, Mireya whispered to Kara, “Since when do they use castration in a children’s show?!”

            Kara innocently shrugged. “Captain Kelly was really popular with the French audience. A lot of dialogue got mixed up between international broadcasts.”

            Meanwhile, Knutz bellowed to Kelly, “Ugly Pete might not be easy on the eyes, but not even he deserves yer venomous tongue, wench!” His hand went to the hilt of his sheathed cutlass. “Now either speak yer peace or we be clashin’ irons here and now!”

            “Très bien,” Kelly conceded. “Your man claimed the right of parley and requested to be returned to you with important news.”

            “Handsome Jack betrayed ya, Cap’n,” Pete divulged. “Kidnapped dat lad, too.”

            Kara and Mireya stiffened at this news. “Jack’s got Craig?!”

            “Oh, I knew I didn’t like that dude for a reason!” Mireya clenched her fists. “When I find him, I’m gonna kick his tail!”

            Hearing her tenacious vow, Kelly smirked in observance of her and Kara. “I admire your rage. Veuillez m’excuser. Why are two powerful women like yourselves in the accompaniment of Knutz and his hideous, foul-smelling crewmen?”

            Kara almost couldn’t believe she was talking to the Captain Kelly, who just complimented her. “We’re big fans,” she answered.

            “You must be,” Kelly stated. “How else will you fan away their funk?”

            The entire crew of maidens laughed at Kelly’s joke at the expense of the embarrassed Knutz and his crew.

-------------------------------

            Craig was more than relieved once the rowboat he was forced onto came ashore. At least, he thought that it did. Being stuffed inside of a smelly burlap sack robbed him of a clear view of the world around him. It didn’t have any holes for him to peep through. He did get a sense of what time of the day it was with etches of sunlight coming through the fabric.

            “We made it, boys!” He heard Handsome Jack’s roar of celebration. “The illustrious Monkey Island! There’s a reason that weakling Hairbrush Timberwood wanted to come here so bad – and I believe it’s because of buried treasure!” His hungry loyalists howled in agreement. “And now Beggar Bill, with the map, will take us right to it.”

            “N-Now, I m-must confess, Mr. J-Jack,” Beggar Bill stammered nervously. “I…I didn’t q-quite specify knowledge of where said ‘buried treasure’ is…only b-because the m-map d-doesn’t sp-specify.”

            Craig didn’t hear any voices after that confession; it was tensely quiet.

            Then he heard the unsheathing of swords, Beggar Bill shrieking like a girl, and Handsome Jack furiously demanding, “You’ll tell us where it is, you little worm, or my boys and I will—”

            Jack didn’t get through his entire threat before what sounded to Craig like wild, whooping tribesmen ambushed the pirates. He heard a violent scuffle follow and felt the rowboat – that he was still trapped on – knocked back. “Guys?!” he cried. “Let me out of here! Take me back to my friends now!”

            But none of them helped. The sounds of the scuffle grew distant.

            Had he been left adrift out in the middle of the ocean?

            Panicked, he fought through the binds of the burlap sack to set himself free. There was nothing in his purse of holding sharp enough to cut his way out. He kicked and screamed several times before he suddenly felt something pull on the rowboat, bringing it back ashore. Whoever or whatever it was, they then came for Craig and the sack next.

            “NO!” he yelped, fearing it to be a tribesman. “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

            “It’s alright,” said the kind voice of a British woman. “I’m going to set you free.”

            She followed through on her promise, opening the burlap sack and freeing Craig.

            He got a good look at his savior: a young, beautiful woman with long, wavy red hair. “Who are you?” he asked her.

            “I’m Elaine Marley,” she kindly introduced. “Welcome to Monkey Island.”