"The Adventures of Captain Knutz" - Part Three

 Part Two

            Seeing Kara act so giddy while in the world of Captain Knutz made Mireya smile. It took her back – far back – to simpler times, when she was still Steven Curtsinger and Kara was his daughter, Candace (or “Zoe” as she liked to be called in her childhood). Captain Knutz’s adventures had a profound influence on young Candace. Steven would often see her running around in her Captain Kelly costume, acting out scenes from one of the Saturday morning episodes. Now, several years and many regenerations later, she was doing it again in the actual realm of her favorite show.

            There was one specific place Kara had in mind to go in Almond Town: Cashew Tavern. It looked like a saloon commonly seen in old western films, complete with swinging doors and a bar with an assortment of beverages behind the bartender. At the time of their arrival, the tavern was packed to the gills with pirates of various types – from tall to short, clean to dirty, and black to white. The only thing they all had in common was that they were all male.

            And every single one drew their flintlocks on Kara, Mireya, and Craig just as they entered. Instinctively, the three outsiders held up their hands. Kara and Mireya particularly shielded the terrified Craig from the pirates’ aim. “Why’re they pointing their guns at us?!” Mireya asked Kara. “We haven’t done anything!”

            Even with flintlocks pointed at her face, Kara couldn’t stop smiling over the experience. “They’re pirates, Pop. And so are we, as far as they’re concerned.”

            “LOWER YER WEAPONS, YA BILGE RATS!!” a man’s voice thundered from the bar, though Kara, Mireya, and Craig couldn’t see who it was – the crowd of bloodthirsty pirates blocked him from view. However, Kara recognized the voice as Captain Knick Knutz himself. When the pirates – Knutz’s crew – obliged to their captain’s command, they returned to their tables and, subsequently, their meals.

            Kara beamed, seeing her childhood hero in the flesh, there at the bar.

            Mireya was a bit daunted by how similar he looked to Dale Sydney, the actor who portrayed Captain Knutz (and current husband to Steven’s “widow,” Kristin Curtsinger, in their home realm). Of course, Knutz’s features were more rugged than Dale’s.

            “What’s the matter with ya imbeciles?!” Knutz scolded his crew. “What kind of men threaten to shoot two lovely maidens and a boy who’s yet to see his years!”

            “Sorry, Cap’n,” the crew collectively said.

            “That’s better!” Knutz removed himself from the bar, inviting Kara, Mireya, and Craig to sit with him at one of the vacant tables. “Let’s be makin’ ourselves acquainted. I be Knick Knutz, cap’n of these mouth-droolers!”

            Kara wasted little time getting into character, putting on her best pirate voice. “And I be a cap’n meself! Killer Kara, they call me, on account of the men I’ve killed out over the Big Blue!” She proceeded to invent other stories for Mireya and Craig. “And this be my crew! Madame Mireya, the deadliest warrior princess from the land of Gallifrey! And One-Eyed Craig, a lost boy that I’ve taken as me own!”

            “Quite the crew ye have,” Knutz approved.

            “Aye,” Kara grunted. “We voyaged with many others, until the seas claimed our ship, three days ago. Now, we be three lost souls, wanderin’ over yonder from one island to the next.”

            “Well, wander no more, lass,” Knutz said. “Ye and yer two-person crew are welcome to sail with me and mine ‘til ye find yerselves a new ship and home.”

            This was exactly what Kara hoped he would say. For a pirate captain, Knutz had quite the big heart (sometimes too big for his own good), willing to offer second chances to those who deserve it and give a home to those in need aboard his ship, the Nutcracker.

            “Ye wouldn’t be the first lost souls we’ve picked up lately,” he added. “Why, just a fortnight ago, we happened on a stranger by the name of Guybrush Threepwood, seekin’ an island of monkeys!” Kara and Craig frowned at the name, not recognizing it as any of the characters they knew from the Captain Knutz show. Even when Knutz pointed Threepwood out among his crew in the saloon, he was still unrecognizable.

            “Is he a character from a future episode?” Craig whispered to Kara.

            “Impossible,” Kara whispered back, shaking her head. “Captain Knutz went off the air, ten years before I left Earth. I’ve seen every single episode, and I don’t remember any ‘Guybrush Threepwood’ being in any of them.” She took another glance at the mystery character and surmised, “He must be another rift victim.”

            “What ye lads be whisperin’ ‘bout over there?” Knutz inquired.

            Kara quickly switched back to her pirate voice as she answered, “Oh, nuttin’ worth yammerin’ on, Cap’n! Except maybe what to fill our gullets with!”

            “Crackin’ idea, lass!” Knutz heartily bellowed, slamming his fist across their table. He then yelled to the bartender, “Three rounds of drinks for me new friends!”

            “Argh!” Craig eagerly grunted. “My tongue desires the taste of rum!”

            “Oh, no, it doesn’t!” Mireya restricted, her parental instincts flaring. “You’re too young to drink rum.”

            “Besides, lil’ bro, you know they only drink almond milk here,” Kara reminded.

            The bartender arrived with their drinks, not a moment later. Just as he set them down on their table, he looked out through the window near them and angrily shouted, “Oy! What did I say ‘bout you muckin’ ‘round ‘ere wit yer hideous mug!” Kara, Mireya, Craig, and even Knutz wasn’t sure who he was talking to at first, until they looked out the window. They were startled by the wonky-eyed man leering back at them.

            Kara and Craig knew him as “Ugly Pete,” the lesser of Knutz’s crew that was looked down upon, due to his physical malformations. In addition to his wonky eyes, his greyed hairline receded halfway over his scalp, his teeth were entirely wooden, scars ran across his forehead and left cheek, and there were fish hooks in his beard and the bridge of his nose.

            Mireya felt ill just looking at him. “Oh, dear. I’m not one to ever judge others by their looks but…Wow!”

            Knutz slapped his hand against the window, startling Pete. “We talked about this, Ugly Pete! Yer mug be makin’ people sick! Ya can’t be peepin’ like ye are now!”

            “But I’m ‘ungry, Cap’n,” Pete blubbered.

            “I’ll bring ya a doggy bag!” Knutz reassured, and on this reassurance did Ugly Pete finally move out of sight.

            “A doggy bag,” one of the crewmen cackled. “Good one, Cap’n!”

            “A doggy bag for the dog-face himself,” another hooted, leading into an uproar of laughter among Knutz’s entire crew.

            Unfortunately, Pete could hear it from outside the tavern.

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            Aboard the Nutcracker, Kara and Mireya were immediately subjected to the wooing of several members of the crew. Mireya, in particular, caught the eye of Handsome Jack, Knutz’s second-in-command and the antithesis of Ugly Pete. A young man with a broad physique and chiseled jawline, Jack hailed from the “Frost Lands,” according to Captain Knutz lore. Once a destined prince, his kingdom fell from poverty before he could settle on the throne. With nothing much left, he met Knick Knutz one day, and the captain gave him a new home.

            However, in spite of his loss, Jack’s demeanor was still that of a spoiled prince with an inflated ego. That much was certain when he approached Mireya, bowing to her and kissing her hand. “You are truly a goddess among mortal men, my dear,” he told her. “I would be honored to take you as my wife.”

            Mireya choked on her air, hearing Jack’s sudden proposal. “I’m flattered, but we’ve only just met!”

            “‘Tis love at first sight, something that I humbly believe,” Jack attested.

            “I don’t think she be interested in ya, Jack,” Pete spoke up. He was the only one performing his duties on deck, while the other men fawned over their new female guests.

            Angered by the misshapen man’s observation, Jack sharply turned to him and retorted, “And I suppose you believe she’s interested in a pathetic creature like you, Pete?” His belittling remarks were backed by the laughter of his crewmates. “How could a monster like you ever dream to be with a woman so high above your standards?”

            Mireya stood and watched Jack and the other men degrade Pete, who sunk even further in his hunched posture. She didn’t find it amusing whatsoever. In fact, it brought back some rather disquieting memories of her childhood on Gallifrey, when she – like Pete – was seen as a “freak” by her peers in the academy, all because of how much of an earthly child she was.

            “That’s enough!” She thundered over the cackling pirates, who ceased at her imposing request. “Shame on all of you for treating Pete this way! He may not look human to all of you, but he still has a heart that feels! How would one of you feel if you were in his position?!”

            Neither Jack nor the other crewmen said another word after Mireya’s admonishment, returning to their duties in shame. Pete, on the other hand, swelled with gratitude for her speaking in his defense – no woman ever having done so before then…none as beautiful as Mireya.

            Not much later did the Nutcracker come across a small rowboat in the middle of the sea, managed by a bloated, sweaty gentleman in merchant garb. “Beggar Bill,” Kara identified him for Mireya. “I think I have a good idea which episode we’re in now, ‘cause Bill only made one appearance in Season Three.”

            “Is he a good guy?” Mireya inquired.

            Kara wiggled her fingers in a so-so gesture. “Depends on how much in valuables you’re carrying around.”

            Bill’s rowboat was hoisted up along the side of the Nutcracker. Bill himself stepped onto the deck and greeted the crew with arms wide open. “Hello, hello, hello!” he said in a loud, boisterous voice that quickly annoyed some of the crew. He also had a nasty habit of snorting between sentences. “I am Beggar Bill, and I’m here to make the deal of a lifetime with you wonderful people! For I have something you all might be interested in!”

            “And what ye be havin’ of such value, Beggar Bill?” Knutz asked.

            Bill produced a rolled-up piece of parchment from his lavish ruby-red coat. “A map to the elusive Monkey Island!”

            Guybrush’s ears flared up. “Monkey Island?!”

            “That’s the island it says here on this map,” Bill stated, noting Threepwood’s interest. “You willing to trade for it, young man?”

            “You bet I am! Lemme just…” Guybrush patted himself, searching for something of value that he could trade for the map. Unfortunately, his pockets were empty. “Well, that’s weird. I usually have an endless inventory on me. But, for once, I don’t have anything.”

            Beggar Bill contemptuously shook his head at Threepwood, shifting his attention from the penniless pirate to Craig, whose staff he eyed hungrily – specifically the blue diamond-shaped crystal atop it. “I say, my boy! Would you be willing to part with that marvelous staff of yours as exchange for this map to Monkey Island?”

            Guybrush fixated a hopeful gaze on Craig, who otherwise tightened his grip on his staff and told Beggar Bill, “No, I won’t! This is mine!”

            And, just like that, Guybrush’s hopes were dashed.

            Seemingly insulted, Beggar Bill turned his snorting nose up at Craig and tucked the map securely back into his coat. He said not another word as he climbed back into his rowboat and was lowered back to sea.

            “I’m sorry,” Craig told Guybrush, seeing how disappointed he was.

            Threepwood held nothing against Craig. “It’s alright. You’re just looking after your treasure.” He then added with a despondent huff, “I just hope I’ll have another chance to look for mine.”

            His words intrigued Kara, who began to consider what he might be looking for on this “Monkey Island.”

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            Craig bunked in the crew’s quarters that night – a decision that he deeply regretted with the cavalcade of snores that disrupted his sleeping. There were also the body odors that fumigated the room. Craig figured he could rough it out; the Stump smelled just as bad after he, Kelsey, and J.P. had one too many Choco Rolls. But the putrid funk developing in the crew’s quarters was too much to bear after nearly an hour.

            Figuring he would be better off sleeping with Kara and Mireya in the captain’s quarters, which Knutz graciously offered in favor of sleeping in the crew’s quarters, Craig jumped out of his hammock. He was just about to leave until he reached for his staff, only to discover that it was no longer where he last put it before sleeping. He searched through every corner of the crew’s quarters, at the risk of getting near the smelliest of crewmen, yet he had no luck finding his staff.

            Then he remembered…Guybrush Threepwood!

            He was the only character that existed outside the world of Captain Knutz, and he was the only one who benefited from stealing Craig’s staff, exchanging it for Beggar Bill’s treasure map.

            However, there was one problem with this theory: Guybrush was still sleeping in the crew’s quarters.

            So, who stole my staff?!

            Murmurings outside the quarters drew Craig back onto the main deck, where he found some of the crew that was still awake, boarding an available rowboat. Among them was Handsome Jack, who had Craig’s staff gripped in one hand. “Jack’s the thief?!” he gasped in shock. “I thought he was one of the good guys.”

            “Gotcha!” Before Craig knew it, the night atmosphere got even darker, as he was snatched up in a burlap sack. The culprit was one of Jack’s loyalists, lugging Craig over to the former prince. “Caught ourselves a lil’ mouse, Your Majesty!”

            “The boy?” Jack deduced, eyeing the sack with the squirming Craig inside. With an uncomfortable sigh, he instructed, “Bring him. We cannot risk him going to Knutz or those lovely maidens about this.” His crony did as he was told, hopping aboard the rowboat with the captured Craig.

            Jack was the last to board, before one of his loyalists pointed to something behind him. He turned to see Ugly Pete, jolted by his hideous face, which was in close proximity of him. “What the devil do you think you’re doing here, monster?!”

            “I cannae let ya take that boy, Jack,” Pete said.

            Jack would’ve laughed, if he wasn’t trying to wake the whole ship. Instead, he settled on an amused smirk. “I must say, what you lack in looks, you certainly make up in humor, my friend. Now, be a good little goblin and crawl back to your—”

            POW! Jack was caught off-guard by a sudden right cross Pete blindsided him with.

            It was almost an effective punch, managing to draw a bit of blood from the corner of Jack’s mouth. Jack was even impressed by it. “Not bad, monster. But let me show you a real blow.” He then delivered one fierce uppercut on Pete that knocked a few of his wooden teeth out. Pete momentarily found himself looking up at the stars in the night sky; there were twice as many up there in his dazed perspective. He then felt himself grappled by Handsome Jack, hopelessly allowing the former prince to toss his malformed body overboard into the raging waters.